Saddle Bags and Muffin Tops

Before we go any further, I must say, that if you are a man, turn around.  Go read a Gadget Magazine or a Car Magazine or do something that you consider worthwhile.  If you’re a woman who’s got it all figured out, and so completely together, that you walk around in a corsette even though those things should legally be considered instruments of torture, please do the same.  If you’re considered a normal chick (this includes my dear Angah) read on. This piece is in no way intelligent, it’s merely something to have a giggle about, if you don’t take yourself too seriously that is.

Today, I picked up a girly mag and it was like one of those moments in a movie when they have break sounds and sirens started to ring. In one article they were talking about how we should not care so much about size as long as we’re healthy, and then, there was an article on the latest diet fad, and then there were photos of girls who were airbrushed to perfection. Confusing innit? Men, if you’re still reading, you can see why we sometimes don’t know what we want.  Ladies, I’m sure some of you, like me, wonder why we read these magazines.  I think it’s the same reason we pick up that bag of chocolates that we don’t need, and usually happens around the same time of the month too.  It’s so bad, but it’s so good.

Let’s be honest, I have fallen prey to girly magazines countless times.  We all know my big downfall is shoes (48 pairs in Sydney, and at least 5 in my mum’s place), so any magazine that features shoes, I’m on it, but then I realise that it’s not worth buying a magazine to look at shoes, but because the person in the newsagency is looking at me in a funny way I buy the magazine anyway.  To make it cost efficient (in my mind at least), I flick through, and read some articles.  Of course, some about women suffering under oppression and countries where women are fed to the point of being obese in order to get a husband are rather interesting, but you read other stuff as well.

Ignorance really is bliss.  Before girly mags came into my life, I was a perfectly happy teenager.  Then it happened.  All the terminology.  I didn’t even notice VPLs, saddle bags or muffin tops before these magazines told me they existed.  Buying a pair of jeans used to take 10 minutes. Now, we have to look sideways, bend over, sit down, and at times get into advanced yoga positions before buying a pair of jeans.  Those of you who say that yoga isn’t for you, check yourselves out when you’re buying a pair of jeans.  Chances are, that’s exactly what you’re doing apart from trying different breath techniques to make sure the jeans don’t pop.

Seeing these things on yourself is one thing, but then, your peace is shattered because wherever you go, wherever you look, your view is assaulted by various panty lines, thunder thighs and muffin tops.  Sometimes, all you want to do is hand these girls a magazine you read (and highlighted) so that they know better.  Of course, you’re not judging, but surely some people are, the poor dears.  Before you know it, these young, sheltered girls are living on salads so as not to fall prey to the dreaded muffin top monster.  You know what it’s like.  You were there too once.

And then, you hit a certain age, and you realise that you can hide saddle bags under long skirts, and muffin tops can be avoided if you stop buying jeans that are two sizes too small. So what if the sales assistant is shaking her head at the size of your jeans, but hey, you’re happy.  Besides, how can it be fair that women are subjected to terms such as muffin tops, camel toes, thunder thighs and saddle bags (none of which sound attractive) when man fat gets called love handles.  No wonder we’re all so stressed out.  Apart from making sure the house is clean, being an excellent cook, having a dream job and getting our lives together, we have to worry about saddle bags and muffin tops.  Heh ?  What a world we live in.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a beautiful chocolate sundae with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

By the way – Sex and the City Chick played by SJP, it doesn’t take much to write trash.

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