Sometimes, I think I have it all figured out, and that I’m on a one way street heading somewhere towards the future. Then something happens, and I feel like I have to start from scratch again. It could be anything really. A pain in my stomach, issues with my family, job insecurity, and sometimes a snag with my relationship.
I’ve spent my whole life feeling broken. Feeling like I can’t move on until I fix whatever it is that’s holding me back. Looking back, the main thing was always my family issues, and feeling like I couldn’t have a relationship until my parents were back together. Where I come from, there’s still a lot of stigma attached from coming from a broken home. I know for a fact that even my mother has issues with this, where she once said that she would remarry my dad if a met someone who had issues with me coming from a broken home. When I think about it, it was probably not as big an issue as it was made out to be.
Life is not easy, it never is. Sometimes you feel you can’t go forward until your life is perfect, but the truth of the matter is that life is never perfect. I’ve heard people say that they can’t settle down until they had this house, or that car, or that job, or people who are holding back on having babies until this or that or something else is there. I’m guilty of this too, feeling like I couldn’t settle down until I had a Masters’ degree. Then once I got my Masters’ there was something else I wanted to do… but the fact is, time doesn’t stop and wait.
Maybe there really is no order to life. Maybe, the only way is to move forward. When I think now, that I can’t settle down until I’m a certified yoga instructor, it’s not really like that at all. The main reason I would want to teach yoga (apart from my love of the practice) is so that I’m not a stressed out, highly strung parent who works 12 hours a day, and is just so tired over the weekend, I can’t deal with very much. If and when I become a parent, that will be the most full time job I have ever held in my life, and that is should be.
Fixing myself, and fixing my life is a process that will never end. There is always going to be part of me that I want to improve, and in a relationship, there are always parts of it that need improvement. One person goes through ups and downs on their own, and a relationship is made of two people. The most important thing is gaining perspective, and having the realising that you can fix the path as you move to the future.
Thinking is good, but over-thinking things can be dangerous. Once you start doing that, you might fall into a web of thoughts with no beginning and no ending, leading down to deep dark places. There are always reasons not to do things, and that’s where thoughts usually focus, because where you are is familiar ground, and moving forward into the unknown is scary. Of course there will be doubts, there will always be doubts, because most things in life are a leap of faith. Without taking that leap, you go nowhere.
So, to people out there, if you have found someone who can be your lover and your friend, and accept your broken selves, don’t give up on it, and don’t give up on making yourself better. If you see yourself as being broken and they are still there, then they will love you as you go along fixing yourself. If you want to have babies, then do it. Don’t wait for other parts of life to come together. Once you start moving, the rest will fall into place. Sometimes the only way to fix things is to let go of focusing on them, and moving forward to the future.