There was a time in my life when I would pursue happiness. When it was all that mattered to me no matter what the cost. Then, the only thing I wanted was to be happy. Away from sadness, or anger, or pain. It seemed I was always chasing a high. Always moving. Always looking for a reason to laugh. Always looking for a way to be happy. And it worked for a while. But that was it. I was always looking, and looking outside of myself.
Happiness is good, but happiness can also come from a dark place. A good happiness is one that is clear and clean, where everything feels lifted, and you know you have a right to enjoy it. The other kind, the dark kind, is this empty sort of happiness, it comes from the shadow, and it attracts the shadow. I’ve come to believe in energy, and how it works along with where we are in life. Sometimes, you are attracted to an energy that is the opposite from yours. If you’re grounded, you might be attracted to someone who is a bit airy and “lighter”. That’s when energy works to balance you off. Sometimes though, you’re in a dark place, and the person you attract, or you are attracted to, is also dark. That I think, is when you subconsciously think that that is what you deserve.
My amazing yoga instructors, especially Michael, Heather and Ingrid, have been teaching me another path. Just for reference purposes, these amazing people are like the Master Yodas to my often confused Luke Skywalker. It’s taken some hits with a lightsaber, but I think I’m getting there. The path they are teaching is not the path of happiness. It is the path of bliss and peace. It has taken me some time, but I think I am starting to understand it. It has more to do with what you do in a situation then what situation you get put into. In any situation, you have a choice in the actions that you take. Some choices might make you happy, but at what cost? Other choices, might make you less happy, but give you more peace.
In the past couple of days, I think I am beginning to understand peace and bliss (sad isn’t it that after years, I am just beginning to understand), as not avoiding so called “negative” emotions, it is that point when you let them come without allowing them to take over you. It is that point when you can stand firm and say “I’ll let you come, but I won’t let you allow me to hurt myself or others in the process”. It is surrendering to “what is” in order to be stronger. It is that point when you stop looking for happiness outside of you and find that a part of you has survived everything the world has thrown at you so far, and this part is still filled with light and lightness. This part can love even the darkest of beings, and give even when your head says there is nothing more to give.
I know it’s been frustrating for some of you as you have to keep saying this to me over and over again, but I’m starting to get it now. I am beginning to understand that lightness is not external, that it is something that I have in me. Someone said it in a Sookie Stackhouse reference, “don’t let them take your light”. It embarrassing that this person had to go down to that level to make me see it, but thank you, Ophelia. And thank you to everyone else, for sharing your light with me. Another True Blood analogy is that fairies get stronger when they are with other fae. I get it now. Thank you my beautiful fairies (hopefully the men won’t take offense). Thank you for the light and love you’ve given me every time I am in your presence and a lot of times when I am not. Even the thought of you on a dark day can fill me with a sense of light. When you think of your achievements on earth, I hope you count how much you’ve touched my life as one of those achievements.