My brain feels busy some days, just full of stuff. It’s almost like a store room full of odds and ends, and you want to clear space but you don’t know where to start. Sometimes I wonder how we live like this, but then I realise that that’s just how humans are. We always want something other than what we have.
Aren’t we a funny bunch. When we have a job, we’re unhappy there and we want to have more time to do other things, then when we don’t have a job, we want a job. We’re in relationships and we’re unhappy there, so we want to be single, then when we’re single, we want to be in relationships because everyone looks happy. The grass is always greener on the other side, but that’s probably because we don’t see the dirt underneath, or it’s plastic. What is it with being happy? I blame the media. Advertisements tell us we’ll be happy if we have this and that. Movies tell us we’ll be happy if we meet someone a certain way, or have a certain kind of relationship, and us, silly us, always focusing outwards, we buy all the propaganda that the media sells us.
What happens then? We work like dogs wanting to buy that perfect car or that perfect house (just like in the commercials/movies) and we jump from relationship to relationship. Everytime it gets hard, we bail because “it’s not like in the movies” and so it shouldn’t be like this. We trade the friends we have to hangout with cool people because they get the guys and they get the promotions so we have to be like them to get that far. And in the end, we’re never where we are because we’re always looking over the horizon at something else, and sadly, this something might or might not happen.
Let’s be honest here, I’m hardly miss happy sunshine, and generally when I write, it can be quite confronting and uncomfortable, but really, I have become quite tired of trying to be what the world/media tells me I should be, and the fact that because I am not that, I should be miserable. To be honest though, I think some people are just hell bent on being miserable. We think getting a new job/car/house/partner/moving to a different country is going to make us happy, and I will be honest in saying that at the middle of 2009, I was so miserable that I wanted to move to another country, but my mother in her infinite wisdom said “stay or you’ll be running forever” and the yoga instructors said “stay in uncomfortable situations for that is how you grow”. So I stayed. It was not easy, but they were right. When you stay in difficult situations, and stop fighting, something inside you knows to adapt and be pliant.
I did say that in my writings I would be honest, so I’ll be honest now. I am not happy all the time, and there are things that I do desire, for I am only human. I would like to buy a house and properly set down roots, and I would like to be able to pay for my mum to go for her pilgrimage. I would like to have all my brothers under one roof at the same time for once and not have any one of them attempt murder on my dad. A proper relationship would be nice too. When you ask me what it’s like being alone, honestly I will say that it gets lonely, and sometimes people think that because I am alone, my life is simple but life is never simple.
So guys, don’t worry if your life/relationships are not like the movies. It’s fine and I am saying this to myself as well as to you, watch your chick flicks or action movies, and read your books, but write your own story. When you see the green grass on the other side, just remember that without dirt and manure, grass won’t grow. The tears, the complications, the fights, the stress, the frustration, the anger, that could just be the dirt and manure, and if you stay instead of walk away, then maybe one day you’ll look back and see a beautiful garden that weathered all the seasons. So if you hit tough times in life or relationships, remember that it is just the dirt that’s going to help your lawn grow 🙂
I write this because there are days when all I see is dirt and manure and then a dog comes and pisses on my lawn, but when I check again, there are my friends – beautiful fragrant flowers whose scent overpowers the junk. Then there’s my mum, like a strong oak tree in my garden, and it’s not so bad after all. And when I look yet again, I realise that the grass I have in my garden is not plastic, but as real and lush as grass can get.