Dedicated with love to my Athiest Goddess Guru, Dr. Heather Moritz. See, I was paying attention 🙂
Kali Ma came into my life last year. She wanted to make herself known, and make herself known she did. The consort of Shiva, she came, and destroyed. Breaking down dreams, desires, walls and my heart, leaving the vision I had for the future in ashes. I saw her as being ugly, hard and dark.
There she was laughing in my face, taunting my tears, standing there, sticking her tongue out at me, with her necklace of skulls and her skirt of arms. Oh how she enjoyed my destruction. Lying broken on the floor, I saw Kali Ma as being the epitome of evil. Oh how I hated her for leaving my world in pieces blow by blow. I begged her to stop but she kept dancing her dance of destruction, leaving nothing but dust and ashes.
Then as I was lying there, came Saraswati Ma. She opened the window to let the light in, and sang in my ear. With her music, I slowly began to move, to sit up, to walk, and then step by step to dance again. She encouraged me to sing, and sing I did, in my way. She asked me to tell my story, and tell my story I did, picking up my pen, and letting it dance on the page.
Songs of sorrow, emptiness, anger, tears, and hate; singing themselves through my fingers onto an empty page. Through the darkness, she danced with me, slowly, slowly letting in the light. Saraswati Ma kept singing through my fingers, and a tapestry of feelings flowed. And the songs changed from darkness into light. Anger and hate gave way to contentment, and flowed to love, to joy, to hope. Nightmares turned to dreams, and sleep turned to wakefulness.
From the creation of something from nothing, Saraswati Ma then handed my life over to Lakshimi Ma, the protector, the one who sustains, and maintains with her dance. And we danced together – Stories flowing, rivers into oceans, and days into nights. My life story unraveling in her security. And for a while we danced, and danced some more.
Then came Kali Ma again, dancing and destroying, but this time, she looked different. She looked a lot like me. Dark, angry and twisted, she comes, like the shadows in my dreams. When she left my world in ashes, she was creating for me an empty space, a transition from which to rebuild, moving from one chapter to another. And though her song was sad and dark, it charmed nonetheless. It was a song that gave prettiness the depth to turn into beauty.
And so the goddesses dance. Creating. Sustaining. Destroying. And so the goddesses stand there, outside of you and inside of you. From nothing, Saraswati Ma creates the song, to be fed and sustained by Lakshmi Ma for a while before Kali Ma comes to destroy. There is a bit of them in the earth, and there is a bit of them in you. But in the darkest part of you, or the most joyful, there is always a little space where peace sits. And while you surrender to the dance with your goddesses, it is that part of you that stays still, just watching, observing and waiting. Always knowing that a time will come for the next dance. Knowing that dark and terrible, soft and gentle, and always beautiful – it is only life, and yourself you are dancing with.