I’m tired. My brain is fried from all the self enquiry that’s been going on for the past three years or so. You see, I went through a period where I decided when things had become a pattern and so I went back to my childhood and the issues that have contributed to my bad decisions as an adult. Not only have I been doing this for myself, I have also been doing this with my friends and past boyfriends. Sometimes however, it just becomes an exercise in justifying why people are assholes.
Today, I was reading a post by the fabulous Tanya Mah: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/10/ive-got-a-bone-to-pick-with-my-yoga-teacher-tanya-maria-mah/ and as she always does, she’s set me on a whole different path of thinking. Us women (and some men, but more women), we like to analyse, and dig, and analyse some more. We find reasons why we’re too giving, too loving, too cold, too warm, too thin, too fat. We go through our chakras looking for imbalances hoping that they will tell us what’s wrong with us so that we can fix it. And then we try our whole lives to fix the things that are wrong with us, obsessing and stressing, thinking “I can do this once I fix that,” or “he will love me once I deal with my ….. issues.” We meditate to the point of hyperventilation waiting for what Bryan Kest describes as “Kundalini to come up your asshole.” Why? Perhaps because once we’re there, we’ll be worthy of the good that’s coming our way.
And that’s the good side of it.
It can go a whole other direction for some.
Believe me, I’ve met people who have gone into a period of self enquiry and instead of finding things that they can fix, they find excuses. They find patterns from parents, siblings, exes, strangers, bosses, just anyone and instead of being something to work on, it becomes something to blame. The self enquiry becomes the “because” in the sentence, “I’m a dick because…… (my mum, my dad, my ex, my cat, my dog)” It’s a journey of never being happy, blaming the single state for such and such, then getting into relationships and blaming the relationships for other things. And the work stops there. There’s the excuse, followed by a whole lifetime of using it, hoping that some poor sod will love them despite it or fix them because they have a reason (or reasons) why. Sadly enough, some poor sod (usually from the category above) does. And in the end, the poor sod is just another source to blame.
As much as I am an advocate of self enquiry, it’s one of those weapons that in the wrong hand can cause destruction. You know how they say “with great power comes great responsibility?” Well this is one of those cases. Self enquiry can definitely be a gateway to great power, or rather self empowerment. However, used without responsibility, it makes way to great excuses that one can use their whole life long. Without self awareness, you can end up sitting at home in your 60s still blaming your parents for your five failed marriages. And of course, there can come a point when you end up searching so deep you just confuse yourself and end up frozen in space, incapable of making a decision, stuck in your fear.
Believe me, I’m one to talk. Upon embarking on this whole self enquiry journey, I found a million things to blame my parents and family members for. Of course, when you go back to your childhood, who else would you have to blame right? Well, for a while I was stuck in a cycle of blame, helplessness and excuses. And then I found reason after reason why I didn’t deserve happiness. Just like Tanya said in her piece it always seems like there’s one little tiny thing more to do to be happy, one more chia seed or green smoothie you need as part of your diet, yet another detox for another season and in the end you find yourself in a cycle of unhappiness. Some days I find myself running around like a headless chicken (or as the Aussies say, “headless chook”) until I hit a point of dazed confusion not knowing which end is up. Sometimes there are so many words going round that I don’t know what they mean anymore.
It gets tiring. At some point, you have to realise that a bit more needs to come with it, that just sitting there playing black and white movies of your childhood is not enough anymore. At some point, the real work starts. So yeah, while self enquiry is great, it needs to come with some self awareness. Sometimes things are just as they are. You might not be meditating 12 hours a day and you might not be able to do a handstand. You might be single or your relationship might not look as perfect as your friend’s does on Facebook. (Because everyone’s relationship looks more perfect than yours on Facebook doesn’t it?) You might no longer be a size 6 and be able to dance all night anymore. You might not want a relationship at the moment, and you might never want children.
But WHO CARES?
People who judge you can suck it.
At the end of the day, stop with the digging and blaming, and realise that while some things (abuse, torture, etc) are complicated and require a lot of going back to deal with the feelings, your mum tapping you on the arm is not. Your dad forcing you to go to school, is not. Sure everyone’s a dick sometimes, but there’s no point going into self-enquiry if at the end of the day, you get lost in your memories and they make you even more of a dick.
Yes, sometimes you need to go back into the past to deal with the things that you left hanging that need to be dealt with, but do so with awareness. It doesn’t have to be that way for every single thing. Sometimes, there really is no point over-complicating things. You can’t change the past. It is what it is and, perhaps instead of putting all our energy into going backwards, we need learn to detach from the past move forward from where we are. And more important, perhaps we should just be who we are (well unless you can be a unicorn, in which case choose to be a unicorn) or you’re a dick, in which case stop blaming the family pet you had when you were four for being cuter than you, and get help.
Peace. Namaste. Ommmmmmmmmmmmm………………………