New Year’s Eve 2013.
Sometimes I can’t believe how fast time flies. Sometimes I think that time doesn’t move quick enough. You know some years you think that you’ve done nothing, not left the country, not fallen in love or got a new job or anything BIG, and you start feeling a bit down? Well, I’ll be honest. A couple of days ago, that’s where I was. I had fallen into that trap again. What trap say you? The trap that sets a standard on what you do or where you go in order for it to matter. Again, I was measuring myself against the general standard. And then of course, there was the full moon, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish.
And then, I went back and read a letter I wrote myself on New Year’s Eve 2012. You see, I’m quite done with resolutions. In my experience, resolutions are a bit shallow. Instead, I was taught to set intentions, and better still, to paint them within a bigger picture. In this letter I wrote myself, I had painted a picture of what I wanted my life to be like, and in doing so, there were of course steps that had to be taken in that direction. You think about where you want to be, and it also prompts you to think about the things that don’t really fit into your lifestyle anymore. It can be anything from a bad eating habit to a whole person that you decide to move away from.
I’ll share a little yogi secret here:
Writing things down is a very strong way of affirming them. It takes things from an internal environment and actually puts it out there. Better yet if you can write it, seal it and get a trusted friend to mail it to you at their discretion. No matter when this letter comes to you, it will be the right time. With resolutions, we tend to hang on to them they stick in our minds and sometimes can become quite rigid and stuck. Writing things down and releasing them into the ether can be a great way to let it go. If you’re not a writer, then make mind maps.
When I read this letter, it made me think of what this year has been about for me. Sure I didn’t get a new job, buy a house, or car, or have a baby, or or or… any of those things that society holds as a milestone. Some years are just not like that. Yes, yes, I know in our society it’s all about making things happen, but without the right foundation, how will we know it the things that we make happen will take root?
Sometimes, you just have to take a year, or two, or four, or however long you need to unlearn the things that you’ve learned and do a bit of detox from the past so that you can make space for the future. Sometimes, you just have to let yourself break and rebuild from the ground up. Life is such a journey. Just when you’re dancing with Lakshmi Ma, Kali Ma can come a crashing in with her necklace of ears and her skirt of arms: https://azphoenix.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/dancing-with-goddesses/. And you know what? Sometimes you just can’t tell that kind of force to “fuck off.” You can try, and before you know it, your ear will be right there hanging around the lady’s neck. The only thing you can do sometimes is surrender (not give up, just surrender).
The truth is, although I felt like I was moving nowhere, I did move forward from where I was yesterday, and I did get what I wanted out of this year. Although I am always going to be a work in progress, the work has started. I’ve heard that the biggest journey you make is between your head and your heart, and perhaps this year for me, that journey has begun. There are no good years, or bad years, they are just different. There is no “there” to get because as Heather would say, “It is all already inside you.”
So tonight, loved ones, before you go out into the hustle and bustle of celebration, take some time to celebrate yourselves. A few moments of silence to find your centre, and when you write, write for yourself. This is your journey. Nobody else’s. Think about it. Will 2013 be a year of setting foundations? Will it be a year of healing? Or growth? Making things happen? Moving on? Sit with yourself, and set YOUR intention. Perhaps instead of thinking about the things you “have to” do or achieve, go into it thinking of what you need for yourself, for your health, for your growth, and what you can do about it. Sometimes, the BIG journey is the one that happens within.
Happy New Year dear ones. May the light shine on you, and for you, and may it not shine so bright it blinds you, but bright enough to lighten your darkest days. My love is with you, wherever you are.
On a personal note from me, a wish of gratitude to family and amazing friends, mentors and teachers both formal and informal, my exes, even the ones who broke my heart, the horrible bosses and managers who encourage their staff to shine, to lovers and acquaintances, past, present and future. And you, whoever you are who I am meant to meet. There is a lesson in every meeting and in your way, you are my teachers and you all touch my life, so thank you.