Sometimes without warning it cuts through you, breaking you to pieces. Like a hot blade going through your heart, only you don’t get to die. You live. Everything inside you wants to dim it down. Suddenly you crave every addiction you think you have let go of – a drink, a cigarette, a pill, a warm unknown stranger. Something. Just something to give you some relief from feeling this raw.
You’re reduced to a big gaping wound and nothing else. You read things that spew crap like, “the wound is where the light enters,” and all you can think of is with a wound this big, it had better be the fucking sun entering. When people ask you if you feel better or say things like they hope you feel better soon, all you want to do is punch them. It’s not a fucking cold. Better won’t come for a while. But maybe they forgot what grief feels like. Maybe they never knew.
It sits with you. Sometimes it sleeps and you’re fooled into thinking that it’s left you, but then, when you’re sitting there smiling it rears its head again. You can’t see it, but you feel it so strongly that sometimes your body doubles over and there you are, on your knees at the mercy of the universe.
All your life, you’ve been told that this is bad. Somewhere in there, your mind is saying, “well, you’re not the first person this has happened to, so get over yourself.” But this is beyond what your brain understands. It’s not something to fight or get rid of, it just is. It is not a disease. The tears that fall are just your emotions bubbling over into the physical world.
At some point, you ignore the thoughts that tell you this is wrong. Ignore the people that say you should feel better. This is grief. It is not good, but it is not bad either. It is a feeling that tells you that you loved. It reminds you of the loss you suffered, and in its strange dark way, it fills you up, reminding you that you have a heart after all.
I used to fight my grief. I used to think that because I was lying in a heap of tears on the floor, or falling apart in someone’s arms, it meant that I was not strong. Then I was taught different. I was taught to see emotions in a different way, that strong might not mean fighting. That strong meant feeling – sitting in the grief and letting it wash over you. Easier said than done. But when I look at my past, at all the people who got hurt in the explosion of my endless fight against my own grief, my addictions, my anger and of all the hurt that I carried with me through the years because I couldn’t grow a pair and face them, perhaps, it’s time to surrender.
As I sit in meditation and the tears fall again, I realise that there is no right or wrong, only the knowing, the understanding, that instead of happiness, the goal might be to just be at peace. And I am still learning – learning to be a peace with grief. Learning to surrender to the fact that it is here, and it might be my travelling companion for a while. Learning to accept of the fact that the tears will fall sometimes when I don’t expect them to, and learning to give myself permission to just grieve.