You know how sometimes you listen to people talk about things and your brain just goes, “Oh my fucking nuts, I do that!” Except you don’t really want to admit it so instead you tell the friend next to you, “yeah, I’m a bit like that….” A bit… the understatement of, like, forever.
That was me last weekend.
One of those “aha” moments that I didn’t particularly like.
I had gone with a friend of mine to listen to a lovely lady speak about her life experiences. She spoke about hanging on to life too tightly and trying to steer things, therefore not allowing life to flow as it should.
Hey, we all do that don’t we? We see this road towards our goal and just drive down it with a one track mind, not enjoying the view, and sure as hell not taking into account that there are many roads to this destination.
It was a hard pill to swallow for me. I mean, look at me! I’ve been fucking practicing yoga five times a week for at least the past year. Resistance? What resistance? I’m all over this ‘surrender’ shit, aren’t I?
Well, no, I am not.
Control freak tendencies are hard to kill. And to be honest, they’re not all bad. One doesn’t make it through tough childhoods, uninteresting university days, crappy relationships, shitty jobs and keep going through life’s general mishaps without a certain degree of control. One definitely cannot manage a store, an event, or even a blog for that matter, without some controlling tendencies.
But like everything in life, these tendencies have a dark side.
Sometimes we get used to being in control that we can’t just settle down and chill the fuck out – in life, in work, in relationships. It is especially apparent for people who have been alone for a long time.
I realized that at the beginning of this year, I was holding on so tightly that my jaw had fused together. I was trying to navigate life exactly as I wanted it to go. Although I can bend my body to touch my toes, otherwise, I could be very inflexible and unaccommodating.
Then there was this big explosion. I was stunned and dropped the tight reins I had on life.
And guess what?
Well, I spent a few days in bed crying, that’s a given, but without me grabbing onto life like my life depended on it, life went on.
Life. Went. On.
I just went along for the ride. And here I find myself – another incarnation, another road.
Even as it flows now, sometimes I feel my resistance rising and sometimes telling myself to back down is easier said than done. Letting the currents flow is a scary experience. Not knowing is frightening. For one who is used to driving life, this is a foreign experience. A humbling experience because I now know that I try to steer this vehicle called life. And love, I try to steer that too… always holding on and holding back.
But life is bigger than me. I can hold on and steer all I like but with one gentle nudge I can be thrown off my seat and it flows again. And we learn to accept the things that are difficult because life goes on.
No holding back.
And we ride as we should.