Fighting Gravity

I am trying to write something that I can give to you but the words are taking their time.  I am trying to reach out and touch you with my words, the same way I saw two friends touching each other the other day.  There was so much love in that instance, it stopped me in my tracks.  There was this giving and receiving, total trust and surrender.  She moved the boundaries between them as she ran her fingers over his skin and he softened into her touch.  The most intimate of moments, yet a moment so pure the connection between them radiated through the room.

Are we like that too?

When I lower my boundaries, stepping away from the world of social media and instant messaging to have a conversation with you is that what I am doing?  Our friendship is the same as a million other friendships in this world, and yet, it is one that is unique to only us.  We stand there, skin against skin and sometimes, I can feel your heart beating underneath this skin, inside this shell that is your body.  Your voice has become familiar to me, and your touch, sometimes a challenge, but at other times a source of comfort and safety.

With you, I am learning trust.  With you, I am learning that I can allow for moments of softness.  I am learning that if I need you, you are there.  With you, I am learning that there is more intimacy in the moments we spend together conversing and breathing than I have known with lovers in the dark.  We know each other like this.  You. Me. A knowing look, a moment shared between two people.  I know how the skin of your hands feel, the rumble of your laughter, the sound of your breath.  So intimate, so real, a solid entity in a world where everything else is air.

Do you know that to me, you are fucking beautiful.  All the things you consider flaws, the parts that you hide from the world, the things that make you uncool – these are the things that make me love you.  I know you have your mask on for a reason, as do I.  It keeps us safe, but sometimes I wonder if instead of fearing the person behind the mask is unworthy of love, we are more afraid of someone loving this person.  Not being loved allows us to remain in our little world, so we love people we feel we are unworthy of and we love people who are unworthy of us.  Perhaps deep down we know that it is when love comes and is returned in kind that our carefully constructed worlds might change.

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So we build boundaries.

We raise our masks.

We write stories.

We make the things that are already happening impossible.  Yet here they are.  Possible.  Happening.  We just choose not to see them.  We find that one more thing that we have to work on before this can happen, we tweak and change, we make ourselves busy, leaving no space, so we can have just a little more time in this safety.  We think we are not ready, but the fact that this is happening means that we are.

In a way that is unique only to us, we know each other.  Before you say a word, I know that it is you standing close to me, a completely foreign but familiar entity.  We’ve known each other for a while, yet every day we are just starting get to know each other.  You continue to change as do I.  Our lives continue to evolve, moving between emptiness and fullness, and yet, in these cycles, we are still here for each other.

Why are we fighting this gravity between us?

Why do we find that one more reason to not allow ourselves to just surrender to this moment, this thing that sits between us silently?

It is bigger than you and I together combined.  It is that space that engulfs our two lives, creating a whole new space in the process.  It is allowing the universe’s wrecking ball to break everything that we have built so far so we may rebuild again.  It is allowing that final hold to drop and allowing our hearts to love, really love, to be uncomfortable, to be awkward, to find ourselves in a strange new land and to allow our separate universes to turn upside down.

It is the courage to let that raging person sitting behind the mask finally bask in the embrace of love.

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Yes

The third eclipse in this short span of time comes to us with the next full moon, and with it, is a time to say “goodbye,’ – a time to release, and perhaps even let a whole section of yourself die.  Most of us are uncomfortable with endings and a lot more of us don’t like talking about death.  It is the final end. The place where you can’t go back to what once was.  It is that place where your footprints get washed away by the sea and all that is left is to go forward, into the unknown.

There is comfort in the old, a familiarity, a certain safety, and to hold on is so much easier than to let go and step towards the future.  We might say that we don’t believe in these things, but sometimes, something greater just moves us in this direction.  Without ever intending to, we leave the past and head towards the future.  Something closes, something else opens.  Like my teacher Mel would say of a backbend, “it is like everything in the past pushing you forward from your heart.”  There is a beautiful sadness but also an excitement of what is to come.

It can be comforting having just that one string so that we can hold on to the past, but sometimes that string needs to be cut.  In that space where there was left the faintest of connections, there needs to be just emptiness.  The faint imprint left by a former lover is wiped away by the rain, allowing the glow of a new sun to spread it’s warmth on a clean foundation. Sometimes a lover becomes a friend, other times, even the friendship can’t be salvaged and the lover becomes a stranger.  A friend or even a stranger becomes a lover.

You think your heart died the last time it broke.

Going back into that space where you allow things to enter seems crazy.

But something stirs again – Perhaps the tiny flickering flame of affection, growing into desire and in the future, who knows?

You died once when your last life ended.

And you are reborn into this new life.

The heart beats.

It lives.

It wants to soar.

It wants to go into the unknown.

You’ve found your centre and don’t want to lose it, but your heart, the centre of it all is ready to bring you off your axis.

It is time. 

The final goodbye led to the first hello.  And the darkness makes the light seem so much brighter.  Something different, someone different, is scary.  It is the possibility of your universe being flipped upside down in a way that is beyond your control. It is two movements in one – allowing something unknown into this comfortable and familiar space that you have painstakingly built while you yourself move into an unknown dimension.  It is a doorway to another part of yourself, yet undiscovered.  How do you know that you will like this undiscovered self?  How do you know that you won’t?

Right now the questions are being asked and not answering is no longer an option.

Will you let go?

Will you let the past rest where it belongs?

Are you going to release fear and step over a threshold into a new life?

Can you allow a glance to become a lingering look?

When someone reaches out their hand to you will you take it?

Are you ready to immerse yourself into the unfamiliarity of the future?

A million questions, and the only answer that will make a difference is…

Yes

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