Dating? Yeah… No

My best friend from high school just got engaged.

 

It is an amazing thing as they’ve been together for about 15 years now. Suddenly, I am one of the last ones in our group of friends who is single. I suppose, since I am making no active effort to change that situation, I can’t say that I am unhappy. It’s not that I can’t ‘do’ relationships. Like everyone else, I have things that I am particular about and some things that I am really relaxed about, and relationships after all, are learning to adjust with things like that.

 

The thing I can’t ‘do’ is dating.

 

It is a treacherous and ridiculous thing. My environment is made out of 80% females. Cut out the gay males and you’ll have about 5% – 7% straight males. Discount the ones who are either taken or in this job for the girls, and you’re left with about 1.7% of the population. Add to that the fact that I’m at work most of the time, I’m not your stereotypical yoga girl and that dating students is a self-imposed no-no (there’s this thing called ethics and I’d rather avoid going down the messy road of studating), it leaves me about a one in a million chance when hell freezes over.

 

Going out of the circle is even more insane.

 

The dating world in Sydney, like the corporate world and the rental market is in a word – fucked.

 

You are either there to fuck or you’re fucked over.

 

The corporate world ripped me to shreds and the dating world is just as treacherous. There is a certain aggression to things, a certain rush, wanting to ‘seal the deal’ and yet even on the first date, most people already have one foot out the door in case something better comes along. It is bright lights and lots of promise but strip it bare and there is nothing.

According to the newspapers, rent in Sydney is really high because there are more renters than there is good property. The newspapers also say that it is the same about men. There are a limited number of men and a lot of women. Again, exclude gay men, the unemployed men and the men who are under 35, and what’s left?  Online you say?  I think I’ve addressed that one here: https://azphoenix.wordpress.com/2013/01/09/online-dating-just-not-my-thing/

 

It could just be my thing. A lot of people like dating but even when I was younger, I never enjoyed it. And I’ve never once in my life been capable of having a few men on the go at the same time until I could decide on the ‘best’ one.

 

I quite like leading a drama free life. It gives me space to be available for everyone else when they have dramas.

 

As a teenager, what I really wanted was to fall in love once in my life. It would be someone I knew as a friend and he would know me as a friend, innocently and like the quote by Ann Landers, my love would be friendship caught fire. Oh young innocence.

 

There were some wee issues here. First, I am straight girl who went to a Catholic all girls’ school and secondly, my best friend was a female. Now she’s engaged so that’s definitely not happening.

 

So I’ve often ended up dating men I am stupidly attracted to. My nature is that I never get into anything unless I’m going to give it my best shot, so once I’m in, I’m in… When I say stupid, I mean totally brainless. I am often on cloud 9 until three years later when I crash. Often times I don’t even realise that I’m the only one holding the relationship up until I’m exhausted.  It’s like a long jump out of a plane, without a parachute into a forest fire.

 

The problem with going out with someone you’re electrically attracted to is that you are trying to impress, and when you get into a relationship, the initial veneer kind of chips off.  On my end, men are often attracted to me because I seem easy going and carefree. Underneath it all, I am a control freak and I quite like quiet nights. They expect me to be this ‘entertaining’ and ‘happy’ little minx all the time and when I’m not, they are highly disappointed. I on the other hand, am attracted to big buff footie player types and end up disillusioned because he’d rather smoke pot and drink than go for a walk.

 

Things get hard, and with both my long-term relationships, I found that we didn’t have the underlying friendship to help us through when they did. Now I look back and realise that had I not dated them, we would not have even really been friends.

 

Oh who knows with this stuff really. And who knows what might come. Anything is possible in this world. Maybe by some miracle, without actually having to brave the murky torrents of any dating scene, it’ll just ‘happen’. I don’t know how. Somehow. You’ll just have to believe that magic is possible sometimes.  Or perhaps my life will take on a different path. Perhaps I’ll adopt a child or have one on my own.

 

All I know is that if I don’t want to date, the world won’t end.

 

There’s a whole full life ahead.

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”

Dear Past, I Thank You

Sometimes when you least expect it, a part of your past, long forgotten waves at you across the distance, and like it or not, your attention is brought back to it.  It could be an old friend, an old lover or just an old place forcing you to turn around from where you stand and look back.

 

There are times when you have moved so far away from that world which once held you that you’ve forgotten it even existed.  Then it calls you back, and you return for a visit.  However, like Alice revisiting Wonderland as an adult, the dark recesses don’t look quite as dark, and the things that once consumed you, don’t have so much of a power over you anymore.  You know there is a demon to slay, but either because it has shrank, or you have grown, the demons don’t look so big anymore. The powers they once had over you somehow diminished with time.

 

The past is a funny place to be.

 

There is always an option of staying there, safe in the comfort of old stories and replaying scenarios, where you are still that same person stuck in your version of a child’s wonderland.  You can stay, in the same grooves made by your parents, moving on to the same lives they led, the same patterns, the same habits.  It is a familiar place, one you know deep in your marrow, where the outcome is one that you have grown to expect.

 

Sometimes however, the universe has other ideas.

 

You take a potion, or you make a small decision and things are set in motion.  Somehow without even realising it, you have stepped out of that place.  The old cast is still there, but you are no longer part of that story, or they are no longer part of yours.  Looking back on the person you were, you realise that you are no longer that.  What you thought, that image you wore as armour was but a role that you played, a mask you put on for that ball.

 

Then you realise that through the years, layers and layers of yourself have been shed.  Those bonds that once held you, the bonds you once saw as a safe embrace are just that, the bonds you put on to stay safe, to stay in a place where you didn’t need to change.  Once the thread unravelled, there was no turning back.

 

You have become a complete person on your own.

 

You know now that no ties will make you more of a person and no great love would need you to be less of who you are.  You’ve found that as much as you have love to give, you are also worthy of a love that is just as great.  Revisiting the Wonderland of the past has opened your eyes to the reality of now.  You know now that your past, the stories that were told to you and the future are not the same.

 

In a deep backbend, you allow the back of your heart to push you forward, and that’s sometimes how life works.  A push from the past sometimes reminds you that you are here, in a moment that is not that, and that everything that has happened has led you here.

 

Revisiting Wonderland gave you a moment to bow and say ‘thank you,’ for the part of your journey you shared, for the lessons learned and for the role the past has played in your journey towards yourself.  One bow, one nod of recognition, like two distant strangers passing each other on the street and then you let go and move on – to your separate lives, to your separate futures.

 

You return to the embrace of the friends who share your life now with your mask removed, as you stand strong in your vulnerability. You catch the eye of the person who makes you smile in a knowing look you share with each other.  They were always there, laughing with you, patiently holding you when you needed, facing your fire when it raged.  Now finally, you take each other’s hand to start building from the present.

 

The past is done.

 

That book is closed.

 

You are free.

Yes

The third eclipse in this short span of time comes to us with the next full moon, and with it, is a time to say “goodbye,’ – a time to release, and perhaps even let a whole section of yourself die.  Most of us are uncomfortable with endings and a lot more of us don’t like talking about death.  It is the final end. The place where you can’t go back to what once was.  It is that place where your footprints get washed away by the sea and all that is left is to go forward, into the unknown.

There is comfort in the old, a familiarity, a certain safety, and to hold on is so much easier than to let go and step towards the future.  We might say that we don’t believe in these things, but sometimes, something greater just moves us in this direction.  Without ever intending to, we leave the past and head towards the future.  Something closes, something else opens.  Like my teacher Mel would say of a backbend, “it is like everything in the past pushing you forward from your heart.”  There is a beautiful sadness but also an excitement of what is to come.

It can be comforting having just that one string so that we can hold on to the past, but sometimes that string needs to be cut.  In that space where there was left the faintest of connections, there needs to be just emptiness.  The faint imprint left by a former lover is wiped away by the rain, allowing the glow of a new sun to spread it’s warmth on a clean foundation. Sometimes a lover becomes a friend, other times, even the friendship can’t be salvaged and the lover becomes a stranger.  A friend or even a stranger becomes a lover.

You think your heart died the last time it broke.

Going back into that space where you allow things to enter seems crazy.

But something stirs again – Perhaps the tiny flickering flame of affection, growing into desire and in the future, who knows?

You died once when your last life ended.

And you are reborn into this new life.

The heart beats.

It lives.

It wants to soar.

It wants to go into the unknown.

You’ve found your centre and don’t want to lose it, but your heart, the centre of it all is ready to bring you off your axis.

It is time. 

The final goodbye led to the first hello.  And the darkness makes the light seem so much brighter.  Something different, someone different, is scary.  It is the possibility of your universe being flipped upside down in a way that is beyond your control. It is two movements in one – allowing something unknown into this comfortable and familiar space that you have painstakingly built while you yourself move into an unknown dimension.  It is a doorway to another part of yourself, yet undiscovered.  How do you know that you will like this undiscovered self?  How do you know that you won’t?

Right now the questions are being asked and not answering is no longer an option.

Will you let go?

Will you let the past rest where it belongs?

Are you going to release fear and step over a threshold into a new life?

Can you allow a glance to become a lingering look?

When someone reaches out their hand to you will you take it?

Are you ready to immerse yourself into the unfamiliarity of the future?

A million questions, and the only answer that will make a difference is…

Yes

Marriage? Maybe later

I just read an article about a woman’s thoughts on marriage: http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/life-style/family-entertainment/if-you-dont-covet-the-white-frock-why-get-married-20120723-22iza.html#utm_source=FD&utm_medium=lifeandstylepuff&utm_campaign=chrissiewedding, and it’s made me think about it a bit, and what happened when I went to a wedding last year.  Someone I know had said that she didn’t want to get married, and another person, couldn’t believe her. It was almost like there was something wrong with this person because marriage just wasn’t a priority to her.  It was viewed in an even stranger light as she had been with her partner for a few years now, and apart from the marriage papers, they were as good as.

A lot of people I know are like this.  A woman who doesn’t want to get married or have kids is looked at like she’s a mutant most of the time. The first of that sort of look might come from her mother, the second from some other older relative, and then from friends. And as a woman gets older, the pressure increases.  Looking back to my childhood, of course there were the fairy tales and that, but there wasn’t really much focus on finding prince charming.  At 16, when I was in high school, apart from my love for the guitarist Slash that still lives (I still wonder why I’ve never dated a musician), and random crushes, it wasn’t really much of a focus. By 18, I’d had a two week thing with a guy, and was still having random short lived crushes on random men.  At 21, I met a boy who was to become my fiancé, but when it looked like I was going to get married, I realized that I had other priorities.

At 32 now, most of my university friends are married with kids. Those of us who haven’t “bitten the dust,” have missed the first, second and third wave of weddings, and of course, there are the whispered, “what is wrong with her,” ”maybe she’s a lesbian,” and all that jazz. See the thing is marriage is just not a priority.  Like the writer of the article, I think weddings are great. I love weddings. I get super excited every time someone gets engaged, married or pregnant it’s just not a priority for me, personally. Why? Perhaps it was the priorities that were drummed into my head. Unlike finishing high school and getting into university, marriage was not something that was drummed into my head from a young age.  In fact, there was a lot of anti-marriage, anti-man sentiment going around. The sentiments didn’t rub off, as I love weddings and I love men.  So perhaps it’s just as simple as things being how they are.

At this point in time, I don’t particularly feel like I have to settle down, get married, or build a family. Not saying that I’m completely against it, but I don’t feel like I HAVE to. (Maybe after a master a jump-back from bakasana without going splat, do 108 sun salutes at Yoga Aid and read just five more books that are coming out this year).  And in this day and age, I know that I’m probably not the only one who feels this way.  Being single is no longer lonely, sad or means that you’re lacking in some way.  It just is. To be honest, I wonder sometimes if a lot of people are married, dating or having children because they feel that it’s “part of life,” or “expected,” or even, “the normal thing to do.”

With this Ball and Chain, I thee wed…

I read this article today: http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/love,-sex-and-relationships/bad-wedding-jokes-20120703-21e9c.html, and it’s made me think of this whole phenomena where marriage is made to seem like the end of the line for men, while for women, it’s made to seem like the beginning of a fairy tale. Apart from that, it is made to seem like men have everything to lose in marriage and women have everything to gain. Its cheap humour, overly repeated, like an episode of Jersey Shore played five times in a row, but it’s there. It made me wonder about where these views come from. Is marriage really the end of the line? Is that the case for men more so than for women? Why?

Sure in 1920, a man who married a woman was meant to have the means to support her and the family, but this is 2012 after all, and most women have the means to support their own shoe addictions. In some cases, you even have women supporting men (oh the shock!). But yes, it does happen. The year I started my undergraduate studies, the ratio girls outnumbered boys three to one in business/commerce studies. As this ratio is pretty much the same across a lot of institutions apart from very “male” fields such as IT, engineering and the like, I’m thinking the ratio of women supporting men is also going to grow in time.  Personally, I’ve been in a few long term relationships and I’ve made no financial game from them.

Then there is the other issue – monogamy. And this idea that sex with many different people is better than having sex with the one person. Is it really? How do you feel the first time you go to a new personal trainer, or yoga instructor, or physical coach? It’s slightly awkward isn’t it? You’re spending time reading each other, getting to know a new pattern, getting used to each other.  It takes a few times before you are really comfortable and in sync with each other before it gets great. Then you get into this pattern, it gets monotonous so you throw something new into the mix, and suddenly you’re all inspired and fired up again. Now, how is sex any different? Like any sort of practice, it only gets boring when you get into a rut.  There’s always something new you can throw into the mix. There are endless possibilities.

I do however, see the point. We are in this age of transition. On the one hand, we still have women who are modern in the sense that they are brand crazy and into trends, but are still rather traditional in that they live at home, having parents support some of their shopping habits and expect a man to pay for it all. Then on the other hand, you have women who live on their own, support themselves, and have their own activities.  Some would rather be alone with a cat forever than give it all up for a man, while others are independent until they have a man, then they expect the man to take care of it all.  So what’s a guy to do? It’s confusing. There’s not enough new material, so might as well go for the old jokes.

In a time where nothing is what it seems and everything is changing, I suppose the old jokes are a form of comfort, of bringing things back to simplicity. It’s been heard before, many, many times, and if you’re intelligent enough to be comfortable with your own decision and what your relationship is really like instead of what the stereotype is, you’ll not take these jokes to mind. And if you do take the jokes to mind, then maybe it’s time to look at the why. Is this what you really want? The only people who think it’s bad to be single are your parents, and well meaning but slightly bored friends who are in relationships. It’s not that complicated, and it’s not really the end of the line. In 2012, and in some religions since 1000AD, divorce is perfectly legal.

This Affair

As a little girl, you are often told stories of how girls grow up to fall in love and live happily ever after.  More often than not, you spend a lot of time waiting for this prince charming who you will fall in love with.  My first love was a marine technician, but he wasn’t THE love of my life. The love of my life would show up almost ten years later in a different country. It showed up when I was broken and didn’t know what I had done so far and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. The love of my life showed up under cover and I didn’t really see him until more than two years later. As much as I hate to admit it, the love of my life started as an affair. A bit of relief I was looking for on the side.

What is the love you dream of? Mine was a love that would touch my soul, light my heart, engage my mind and ignite my body.  A love that would love me in tears, in laughter, when I’d put on weight or when I’d lost weight. A love that would love me in the rain and in the sun, together and apart.  A love that is constant even though there be waxes and wanes.  Respect. Honour. Trust. Forgiveness.

As most love affairs, mine started with the body. The first time left me sore and exhausted but I went back for more. With time it got more familiar, and with familiarity we would change our dance to different tunes. We made love to his music, to Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah, to Guns n Roses’ Patience, to Adele’s Someone Like You.  The rhythm changed, but the dance went on. Sometimes gentle and soothing. Sometimes strong and dynamic.  Sometimes I would lie down at the end of it in a heap of sweat and wonder what had happened to the time. Sometimes, he would touch me so deeply I would be in tears at the end of it.  Other times, I would walk away in a slow haze, and get myself home to bed.

Somehow, through stolen moments, our relationship organically grew.  We started to converse, sharing beliefs, opinions, entire lifetimes condensed for our limited time together.  In time, the things we spoke about influenced my everyday decisions. He had influenced my views on things.  He took me far from “myself” but he had also returned me to myself.  This affair had released me from “life” and returned me to living.  He made it alright for me to not fit in. In the safety of him, I returned to the prayer mat, and to the kitchen.  I learned to dance on my own again, and I learned that although most of my time was on the office chair, most of my life was away from it.  When I got too serious, he taught me how to play again.  He taught me secrets I didn’t know and secrets that I should have known; about my body, my heart, my soul, about being a woman and the strength found in gentleness.  In his silence I found me.

My partner left. He didn’t know me anymore. The truth is, he knew who I was, but who I am to become, even I don’t know yet.  The affair continued.  I missed him when we were apart. I missed him when my weekends were so full that I didn’t have time with him.  I missed our dance, our conversations and even our silences.  In Ramadan I spent a month away. And I enjoyed every time I came back to him, the warm embraces and the sweet soreness afterwards.  And I always came back.  For over two years, I had kept coming back, but I was still afraid to make it more than an affair.

Then I think back to the kind of love that I dream of –  A love that would love me in tears, in laughter, when I’d put on weight or when I’d lost weight. A love that would love me in the rain and in the sun, together and apart.  A love that is constant through the waxes and wanes. And I realise now, that I am unmistakably in love. He had a touched my soul, lit my heart, engaged my mind and ignited my body.  He gave me respect, honour, trust and forgiveness. He could have easily been a she.

You see, some girls fall in love with men who will recue them.  I fell in love with yoga and it helped me find myself.  Our affair goes on, to the next hurdle, to the next threshold, to the next opening.  Organically in contracts and expands, but it continuously grows nonetheless.  In time there might be a man, but right now, I bask in the fact that I have undeniably fallen in love.